If I Were You
by Isahunter
Summary: Scully gives Mulder some advice for holding on to love


TITLE: If I Were You (1/1)  
AUTHOR: Isahunter  
RATING: PG  
CATEGORY: V, MSR  
SPOILERS: Up to Triangle, S6, just to be safe.  
ARCHIVE: Yes, with my name and all headers attached  
FEEDBACK: Isahunter@aol.com  
DISCLAIMER: These characters are property of Chris Carter, Ten-Thirteen, and FOX. No infringement intended. No money will be received from this story.  
SUMMARY: Scully gives Mulder some advice for holding on to love.  
  
  


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She watched him walking towards her, trying to ignore the achy feeling her stomach produced whenever he was near. The sunlight glittered on the water, casting tiny reflections over his dark suit, adding subtle highlights to his short hair. If she hadn't been so damned glad to see him, she might have told him she hated that haircut. Instead, she merely smiled and waited for him to sit down on the bench next to her.

The chilly breeze ruffled the leaves overhead, causing her to shiver. Thankfully, he didn't seem to notice. She didn't want any cause for his chivalry. She couldn't handle it, not now. Not that he was accustomed to such things. But, lately, he'd changed.

She sometimes caught him smiling for no known reason. Staring off into space, at his desk, not merely ignoring his work but acting as if he were in an entirely different space and time. At other times, he was distant in attitude instead. Pulling away from her, and the partnership they shared. The fact that he disappeared without a word to her, and then resurfaced days later without an explanation, was nothing new...but she sensed his reasons for leaving her behind had changed. In the beginning, she thought he was merely trying to protect her, to keep her out of trouble. Now, it seemed, he was deliberately avoiding her.

Hiding, from a memory.

It wasn't something they talked about. A momentary lapse of judgment, brought on by stress, crystallized in the form of a kiss. Almost, anyway. Incompleted mistakes were still strong enough to damage, and this one had done a world of destruction. They were friends, co-workers, and intimacy had no business rearing it's ugly head. So why did she always find herself longing for it?

He wasn't an easy man to love, but somehow she'd found a way. The sound of his voice alone was enough send her heart racing. One touch of his hand, the mere whisper of contact, made her tingle all over. One rare smile from those beautiful lips could make her knees weak, and whenever he murmured her name her breath caught. She hoped he'd never noticed. She knew he didn't feel the same.

He was an intelligent man, passionate about his work, and driven in his pursuit for good. Like some warped comic book hero. But despite all of that zeal, his focus was aimed at the past. It always had been, starting with the search for his sister. But it didn't end there.

Nothing was ever that easy.

"So--are you going to tell me why you asked me to meet you here, or are we going to stare at the water for a couple more hours?"

She suppressed a smile. Patience was never one of his strong suits. "I wanted...I need to tell you something."

He raised an eyebrow, but instead of making some smart-assed comment, he gave her his full attention.

"I know about you and Agent Fowley." She looked away quickly, evading the narrowing of his eyes. "I know it was none of my business, but I asked the Gunmen. I was...curious."

He didn't say a word, but merely sat back and shook his head.

"It's obvious that you still care about her." She didn't mention anything about the time she'd seen them holding hands. She winced at the memory alone. "And I can see from the way she looks at you that she still cares, as well."

"What is this all about, Scully?"

She took a deep breath, trying desperately to control her runaway heart. "If I were you, I'd tell her how I felt. I wouldn't let her slip away again. You just never know if you'll get another chance."

"Speaking from personal experience?"

She met his gaze, trying to read the expression in those green eyes. "I did a lot of thinking when I was in the hospital. I came to the realization that some things are just too precious to throw away. We only have so much time here, Mulder. We need to love while we can."

"I agree."

That was what she'd wanted him to say. So why did it hurt so much? "I don't know what happened between the two of you, but surely you can patch things back together. It can't be too late."

"What if she doesn't want me?" His voice had taken on a husky tone, much lower than the usual murmur he used in her presence. "How can I possibly be sure of her intentions?"

"Mulder...haven't you ever noticed the way she looks at you? The way she leans closer than necessary to hear every word you speak?"

He glanced down at her face, his eyes drifting over her with a careful memorization that made her tremble. "Maybe I didn't want to notice."

She licked her lips. "I know you have a hard time trusting people--"

His sudden laugh stirred her hair. "Oh, you caught that, huh?"

"Sometimes you have to take a leap of faith. Good things don't just fall in your lap, no matter how much you want them to."

"You don't think she'd fall in my lap if I asked her to?"

His comment sliced through her like a rapier, leaving her raw and bruised. And as much as she tried to make her comment just as playful as his had been, it didn't work. "I'm sure she could be convinced."

"Why are you suddenly so concerned with my love life, Scully? You never bothered before...except for the occasional comment on my video collection."

"I thought those weren't yours."

"They aren't. I just borrowed them."

She finally smiled. "I just want you to be happy, Mulder."

He nodded, his gaze never leaving hers. "And what about you?"

"I am happy." Sitting here with him now made her very happy. But all of that would change soon. She knew that even if they did ever get the X-Files back, Diana could never take her place. The Bureau would never let him work with a partner that he was in love with. It was too dangerous. It should have made her glad, to know she was always secured that place in his heart. As his friend and partner. But she wanted more. And if he went to Diana...if he told her he loved her, she didn't know if she could stand being his partner anymore. It would be too hard to watch the man she loved with someone else. But she would bear it. Even if it killed her. She would take whatever she could get. "If you're happy, I'm happy. That's all there is to it."

He leaned forward, resting his forearms on his thighs, clasping his hands between his knees. "Sometimes I wondered. I know I made mistakes, but I hoped I hadn't screwed things up that badly."

"You couldn't have."

"I would catch her looking at me, but I didn't want to make anything of it. I didn't want to see things that weren't there."

"She loves you, I know she does."

"After I messed things up between us, I really missed her. I couldn't sleep at night, and I wanted to call her. Even then, I'd dial every number but the last one before chickening out. I figured she'd just hang up on me. I didn't think she'd want to face what happened between us."

"Not everything is how it seems."

"No, it isn't." He cast her a sideways glance, smirking in a way that made her stomach do flip-flops. "Do you have any idea how many times I replayed that moment, over and over, in my head?"

She had no idea what moment he was talking about, but the expression on his face made her turn away. Her throat tightened until it was almost choking her, and she struggled against the stinging sensation of tears.

After a moment, she finally controlled her voice. "I'm sure she thinks about it, too."

"Everything up to that point--" He paused, as if searching for words. "I never realized just what I had. I could be such an ass to her, but she never gave up on me. Not once."

Scully felt her hands fisting. A sudden surge of unexpected anger nearly made her bolt off the bench. She wanted to scream at him, to tell him Diana left, and she'd been the one to pick up the pieces of his shattered ego. But she didn't say a word. She'd made herself a promise. No matter how much she despised the woman, no matter how jealous she was, she was doing this for him. This was all about Mulder. After all the shit he'd gone through in his life, thanks to his parents, the Consortium, and the Bureau itself, he deserved some happiness. He deserved to be able to sleep at night. He deserved to be loved.

Biting her tongue, she worked up a smile. "She helped you find the X-Files. Must be fate."

He shook his head, slightly. "She made the X-Files stronger. Before her, they were nothing."

She swallowed heavily. If she had to hear one more comment about Diana the Wonder Agent she was going to puke. Glancing at her watch, she stood up. "We should probably get back to the office."

She started to walk past him when he grabbed her hand. The heat and electricity of his touch sent a live current up her arm and through her body. She had to concentrate to keep from closing her eyes in elation.

"You really think I should do this?"

Sadness made her chest ache, but the smile on his face made her lips twitch. "Yes, I do. If I were you, I wouldn't wait another second to tell her I love her."

His smile broke into a full-fledged grin, one that made her take a step back in awe of it's beauty. And her heart broke, just a little.

"Then that's exactly what I intend to do."

Before she could take another step, he hauled her into his embrace and dropped a well-placed kiss on her startled mouth. She could only stare at him in mute shock, as he leaned down to whisper in her ear. "I love you, Scully. I meant it when I said it before, and I mean it now. Because no matter how drugged I am, I'm never so out of my mind that I'd forget that. And you better not, either."

Her mouth opened and closed several times, but she couldn't for the life of her think of what to say.

"We'll have to be careful, of course. If anyone finds out about this, we might find our asses transferred. Why do you think I've been so careful to avoid you lately? I figured anyone that was paying attention could see what I felt written all over my face."

"B-But--what about Diana?"

He chuckled. "I stopped talking about her twenty minutes ago."

"You did?"

He nodded, solemnly. "And, *if I were you*, I wouldn't ever worry about her again."

* * *

END.  



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